I’m so excited, because yesterday I mad my very first baked beans from scratch. I softened the beans, and Yesterday I put it together, it’s in the crock pot, and it cooked all night. It’s so fun to put a lot of time an effort into something that everyone gets to experience. I really hope everyone likes it. Not to mention it’s the FIRST time I’ve ever contributed to a Thanksgiving dinner. It’s at our apartment, and we are cooking for other people. It’s such a new exciting thing for me, and I bet Brandon and Ryan are exited too. Brandon made his Nanas apple pie recipe for the first time alone, I know he was excited about that! I really hope that we can get this house cleaned and decorated tomorrow. It’s really important to me that the house is clean, tidy, and looking nice not only for my own sanity but so that our guests are comfortable.

Aydin is growing so fast. I’m amazed every single day about the changes he has. His face gets more defined, his eyes focus for longer, he seems to have more control over his limbs, and he is playing and interacting a lot more. He is 6 weeks and 3 days old today, but I think he is pretty ahead when it comes to development. He holds his head up for long periods of time, and makes walking motions when you stand him up (his legs are pretty strong, they do most of the holding of him up.) He makes the cutest little peeps too when he is just hanging out. I bet he will say his first word before 5 months old (I honestly don’t know the average…) My mom found the camara so I can get som more recent pictures. I just love him so much. He is loved by so many people, friends, family, even strangers fall in love with him because he is so damn beautiful! Hum, he’s going to be an attractive young man, and I hope he is humble about it. :)

I’ve been giving young pregnant women information and facts about breastfeeding mostly, circumcision, and instinctual parenting! I’m feeling great because I am helping young mothers make the most informed decisions about their parenting. I know that a lot of girls get wrong information, or get persuaded into making a decision by their boyfriend or by older family members who aren’t up with the times. I just want to help women feel strong, and confident in their parenting, and also to know that they can make a decision that is right, mature, and wise, and stick with it. I’m also really excited because I am correcting peoples misinformation, about breastfeeding, and circumcision. I am glad that I can help people! I’m also really happy that I was strong enough, mature enough, and smart enough to do all my own research and not let anyone talk (or pressure more like) me out of my decisions. I just hope I can help other new mothers be just as strong.

I think we are going to sell our car! That’s exciting. It’s going to be another $500 dollars. That will help so much! This is so exciting, I really hope it works out.

I'm getting my cats on Saturday. I can't wait. *Eek* ^-.-^

Since we've moved in here things are great and horrible...

Bad news first:

We are in debt with Brandon's mom approximately 1,700 dollars. And the car that put us in that debt isn't even working! The other car that we bought we have yet to sell.:( None of my friends are hanging out with me. I guess I have to let go of the teens. Also, BK got control of labor meaning Brandon gets less hours now. I am on a waiting list for the YMCA care for the college, I really hope that I can get Aydin in there in January. Brandon is an asshole, who is always right and can't apologize for anything. We've been arguing because he is perfect, and now the baby is feeling stress which makes me want to cry. I want him to ALWAYS feel love, and now he has to figure out how to handle these angry, stressful emotions.

Good News Last:

I got a cool breastpump, and now I can get like 4-5 ounces a day instead of like 2. Which is way better. I've been cleaning and organizing our apartment, it's looking and feeling WAY better. I'm getting my school stuff figured out. I dropped my MSO class which is great because now I will only have to go to school for 4 hours per day and I can bring Aydin on SPSCC campus, so I can feed him in between classes. And then I have my online school, which is just math. So it's more managable and I can still be with Aydin. Thanksgiving is going to be great. It's going to be Aydin, Brandon, Me, Ryan, Ryans Mom, Brandons Mom and Grandma and that's it. (If anyone is lonely for Thanksgiving tell me, because we have room for more) I have really good ideas for Winter Holiday Gifts and I'm so excited to get started on them! I've been drinking way more water, and eating oatmeal, so hopefully my milk supply will go up. I am hoping to get at LEAST 6oz per day from now on. I'm a vegetarian now, which I mentioned before, and it's going great. Now I have to pee.

One last note:

Nikki and Marie, I am going to make you a home-made-from-scratch vegetarian pizza for dinner. Probably the week after Thanksgiving, just tell me when you are available. (I promise this Brandon and Me thing will blow over in a couple days, we are both moody, and we are really excited to cook you dinner)

Angela, I will cook you dinner and breakfast as I mentioned just come pick me up tomorrow or the day after Thanksgiving.

Tiff, hang in there, roommates suck! I miss you

Everyone else, sorry I don't have anything special to say to you.

Love always,
Julie

Current Mood: dirty

Nikki and Marie, I'm so sorry I feel like a jerk. Brandon got called into work on Thursday, and on Wednesday we went to Brandons Dads birthday dinner *big obligation* Please forgive me for not calling *bats eyes* No seriously though, I so should've called.

On to happier, sadder and more of an update on my life.

Aydin is amazing! He is growing so well. Thanks to my wonderful breasts. :P I haven't had his 6 week check up, because he is only 5 weeks old, but I bet he is going to be better when it comes to the percentiles. *before he was in the "very small" percentile for weight and "medium" for length.* ( That's right I don't know the numbers. :) Unfortunately the little guy got a diaper rash, and I found that it's not because of me being a bad mother and letting him be dirty. It's just VERY sensetive skin, which Brandon and I both have. Luckil that is going away very quickly thanks to Aveeno, that stuff rocks.

Baby Wearing isn't going so well. I don't have a carrier that he is comfortable in. I have the Snuggli *which he HATES* a home made one *which he likes, but I can only wear him in one position and his Dad can't wear him at all* and a value village bought one *I just don't like it* So I find that I have to put him down A LOT to get anything done. It makes me sad, and when he notices he isn't being held he gets fussy, not always.

Now that I have the support, information, and resources I've decided to be vegetarian again. I'm very happy about this decision, I had to fight picturing the animals when I ate them. That is FAR from my only reason, so I'm just happy I can follow my beliefs.

I keep dropping oatmealon my key board. UGH

I'm really itching to play game so if anyone know of a *drama only in the game* type of group, please inform me.

Brandon is workig towards being a manager which is so exciting, I hope Larry can find some good employees so that Brandon doesn't have to stay in the posistion he is in. If Brandon got manager that would take so many worries away, and I could stay with Aydin longer.

I'm not sure but I think that is all. I'm forgetful though.

X-posted

Current Mood: want shower now

We move tomorrow. I've been stressing a lot, but whether I've packed well, or enough I know that we WILL eventually be in the apartment. I guess I just have to do my best. Once we get stuff over there it's more of a fresh start. Not to mention it will be much easier clean this apartment actually during the move anyway. *relieved*

Today I have to go to the school for a couple hours, I really hope that Aydin doesn't get too hungry while I'm gone. I am looking at this as an oppurtunity for Brandon to bond with Aydin, with out mommy around. That way I have less temptation to hold him or nurse him every time he cries. Brandon will get the chance to sooth him, and play with him. It's actually really exciting for me, even though I don't WANT to leave the baby, but to hear Brandon tell me what he and Aydin did while I was gone will be fun. His mom is coming over and I really wish that she wasn't coming over today, because I have a feeling that she might hold Aydin the whole time, or everytime the baby fusses she might tell him what to do or what he is doing wrong... I really hope that she only comes over for a few minutes, or not at all today... Even though it's very helpful having her around, but Brandon hasn't been alone with Aydin yet, I am everyday, so it's different when someone comes over and visits me and holds him for a long time. Gr, I just hope it goes really well for Brandon today. *nervous and excited*

It's cold, I turned the heat up and it's not working or something. AHH!

Ta Ta for now
Julie

Current Mood: cold

So we got the apartment!

We are moving in on October 27th, and I'm SOOO looking forward to it.

If anyone wants to help me pack, and/or move, I would love you forever.

Just comment.

Current Mood: hungry

Brandon, Ryan and I are applying for an apartment. It's the best deal we could find, the area is really nice, the apartments are a great size, and the price is right: $600 for a two bedroom, split between Ryan and Brandon, $300!

I'm really kind of stressed about it, because these owners are digging really deep and I'm just scared that Ryans LACK of renting history and Brandons very short renting history may get us denied. :( I don't know what to do, it would be AMAZING AND WONDERFUL if we got approaved, but it's scary that the possibility of being accepted and denied are so close. My dad is a great co-signer, and hopefully that is enough to tip the scales for us to get accepted. Also, we were ALWAYS two weeks early with rent here, and even though it was only 7 months, maybe that will help in us getting accepted as well. I'm worried, I just don't know what to think or do. I talked to the managers once, and the guy seemed very nice, and helpful.

Hopefully he will see that we are good people, dependable renters, and want us to move in... Hm, I guess now all that is going to happen is the waiting. We wait to get the call telling us whether our efforts to make our lives better are being rewarded with, well, the option to have better lives. Seriously, getting this apartment is the one thing that could turn things around for the better. Not just for Brandon and I, but for Ryan, and of course for Aydin.

Wishin', Hopein', Prayin'
Julie

Current Mood: anxious

Okay so the birth story:

On Sunday the 8th I had dannielle come over and laugh at me as I drowned myself with castor oil... THE MOST DISGUSTING THE IN THE WORLD. I woke up at 5:45 on Monday the 9th, and felt my water break. Well, actually I wasn't quite sure if my water broke, so I went pee, and then came to the room, woke Brandon up and said, "Now I don't know for sure, but I THINK my water just broke." Well, Brandon got all excited jumped up and forced me to go to the hospital *I didn't think it was nessicary* Well turns out it was nessicary, because my water had infact broken. They checked me in, and layed me in a room. Well, I was there for quite a few hours, (3-4) and my contractions were not even noticable. So they broke my water completely, at around 10 and one hour later my labor picked up a little. They gave me pitocin and from about 12:00 on my contractions were clustering, painful and I was rapidly dialating (Active labor) When I was 5-6 I wanted the epidural, but when he went through the prompt "There a chance of headache, numbness after it wears off and death for you or the baby" I absolutely wasn't taking a chance on that, I had a gut feeling to say no to the epidural... not to mention in the beginning of my pregnancy I REALLY wanted a drug free birth. So I got it...

It was extremely painful, but every contraction I had *about 10 seconds or less apart* I just breath through, loosened my body, and kept my eyes closed. Honestly I was pretty much asleep my entire labor. I opened my eyes a couple times, and I didn't make much noise at all. When I got to 9 3/4 I got stuck, so I actually had to roll to my side and push him down, because they tried pushing the cervix manually, but after 4 painful times trying, I rolled over and pushed him under it.

So at 6:21pm on October 9, 2006 Aydin was born at 6 lbs 11.8 oz and 19 1/2 inches long. Today he is one week old.

Current Mood: calm

Today I am 33 weeks. I've got 3-7 weeks left, depending on circumstances. I'm getting extremely nervous. I don't know if I can handle a baby. My mind goes (in the matter of a split second) between the *I can't do it, I don't want a baby! I'm SCARED!* to *I can't wait to cuddle him, and hold him, and love him, yay!* I can't handle how crazy my mind is getting. 33 weeks, I've been pregnant for a really long time, and I still have a bit of time to go. Hopefully, with school, and friends I'll start feeling happier, and the time will fly until I give birth! That's just hopes though...

Brandon came home yesterday and said, "We need to talk" I was a little worried, because things have been going really great. It turns out that he wants me to take my leave earlier then on my EDD (expected due date). (My original plan) He said I should take it when school starts. It was really sweet of him to be so serious. He even said that if I don't want to go back to work, and we can still afford rent and bills that I really SHOULDN'T go back to work too soon. This was partially because he is noticing I'm in a lot of pain, I'm irritable, tired, and physically drained... and partially because all of those things makes me very bitchy, and he wants me to feel better, as well as be nicer to those around me... I agree. So I think I will take my leave in about two weeks or less, and possibly not go back right away... Maybe not until next summer.

All in all, as much as I bitch, the pregnancy has been quite good, and I'm starting to really be happy that I've experienced being pregnant. It's been crazy, hard, beautiful, and weird, but I think I've been strong, and have had SOOO much support. I'm realizing how close to the end it really is, that it's no longer me and Brandon it's the family, us three Brandon, Aydin, and me... VERY SOON!

I just want to say to everyone, and I'll say it more then once: THANK YOU SO MUCH. Thank you for realizing that I'm not just a 16 year old girl... that I am a woman, a friend, and now a mother... Thank you for accepting Brandon and I into your lives, even when we were at our worst. Thank you for the baby supplies, the emotional support, the kick in the ass, and the reality checks... Thanks Angela for loving me and for showing Brandon and I what friendship and trust is. Thank you Dannielle for going through it first, for telling me that you know we can do it, and for your bits of advice, Dave too! Gosh, I have too many people to thank which is a FABULOUS thing... Just everyone, Tiff, Erin, Marie, Nikki, Doug, Derek, Sean, Jordyn. ANYONE AND EVERYONE, who has rubbed the belly, hugged me, said that we can do it, and helped with supplies, hung out with us and enjoyed our company. SO THANKS!

I really hope that I will be more social after this pregnancy, because I've really only spent time with a couple of people. I'm looking forward to life with Aydin and Brandon, and I hope that I'll make new friends to share it with and also maintain the wonderful friendships I have right now...


Well, School starts in 5 days, and then College starts in 18 days!!! AHH.

Love always Julie

X-Posted in Myspace.

Current Mood: grateful

I'm almost 31 weeks pregnant and I can't stand it anymore! I'm big, sweaty, swollen, and I can't BREATH. Rolling over, bending down, sleeping, and even tying my work shoes has become a very difficult tasks. I've gained 13 pound, and I feel like my weight is going to SKYROCKET this and next month. At the rate I'm going, I can barely move, let alone burn any calories, and all that I can really do is lay around and eat... SOMEONE COME AND SAVE ME! I have 6-10 weeks left, it was going quickly and now it is going slowly again.

I haven't even THOUGHT about shaving my legs. Having sex has basically become impossible. And I only want three things right now... Just three. 1. A mango-tini 2.To be able to sleep in ANY position I want 3.To hold my baby in my arms and not my belly.

I'm getting more and more scared about giving birth. Earlier in my pregnancy I didn't even really think about it. I was excited, I knew it would hurt... Now I am scared of the epidural needle (if I get one) I'm scared of the doctor poking and proding, I'm scared of an extremely long labor... I'm just so scared and nervous. I haven't taken a childbirth, newborn care, or breastfeeding class, and I have no idea how on earth I could fit it into my schedule... I don't know how to change a diaper, I don't know how to hold a baby, I don't know if I will even like him...

Is that aweful to say? I'm scared of my own son...

I went to my Grandmas house yesterday... She started crying, held my belly, rubbed it, kissed it... and said "He's coming VERY soon" She also kept saying "Oh the pain, I'm so sorry" She went through 5 births... So I think that she knows what she's talking about. She wasn't trying to scare me, I think she is scared for me because I am HER baby, and now I am having MY own baby, and she just doesn't want me to go through the pain...

Also, my neighbor came down, and within a very short little conversation mentioned "Oh you're definately going early" Why are people saying that too me...? I don't want to go early even though I hate being pregnant. I know that preterm births are unhealthy, and less likely to successfully breastfeed... Also, I don't want my baby to be stuck in a hospital. I just don't want to be pregnant... Happy medium?

I'm just rambling... I have mixed feelings, and raging hormones... Not to mention babies suck out your brain, so I don't expect any of my entries to sound logical, or mature...

Thanks for caring.

Current Mood: lonely-there is no *hormonal*

Well, I'm just sitting here, kind of bored...

I'm squeezing colostrum from my nipples and then licking it off... I really want to know what it tastes like, but it doesn't really taste at all, kind of bitter I guess. Um, I've got a lot of it too...

My belly button is starting to petrude slightly, mainly the top of it is tipped out, and the bottom is still in, so it's lopsided, kind of funny. It feels weird when I rub my fingers over it.

I'm starting to feel like I can't do a whole lot. Bending over to pick something up is a HUGE task. Serious, I stare at the object, go over my plan of attack, attempt to bend as if I wasn't carrying a huge watermelon on my front side, realize I infact am pregnant and can't do that, and then spread my legs and go down in sort of a squat. I have to make sure to hold on to something or go extremely slow so I don't topple over forward.

My belly itches, but so far no stretch marks... Now if I can make it the next 8-11 weeks without any stretch marks, then YAY... But, I don't know if that was going to happen.

I was pretty excited about my small amount of weight gain only 11 pounds at my 24 week appointment, but I seriously think that I have totally gained the rest of my *25-35* pounts in just one month. I've eaten a lot, and I'm very big around the breasts, belly, and probably the ass but I can't twist to look, and mirrors are hard to tell. Hopefully I don't gain too much, because I went into this pregnancy overweight anyway, and I'm in an okay weight range. I'd like to be able to work it off, and be fit and healthy.

Brandon and I are doing SO GREAT... Or at least from my perspective we are, I hope he feels the same way.

Work has been going really good, I've been getting a nice amount of hours, and shifts where I actually have energy. I'm going to be on the safety committee at DQ when I come back from my maternity leave, which I will probably take around October 8th. That's two weeks before my due date.

Wow I'm so excited for school to start... YAY. I start Microsoft office on the 6th of September, and I start my German class at the college on I THINK the 17th of September... The nice thing about this fall is that I have two classes, and I will still be working a little bit, so I'll be able to save a little more money before I go on leave. One class has no homework, and the other class, I am assuming has a bearable amount, probably mostly just practicing the language nightly, and some packets, or whatever... Obviously I've never taken it so I don't know. But I can handle 15-20 hours a week of work, 2-4 hours of homework, and then 5 hours spread out morning and night of actual school. When Aydin comes, I will not be working at all for 3 months, so that means I'm really only going to be away from him for a few hours out of the day. WOOT!

I really need to start looking for babysitting, because Brandon will be with him when I go to my morning class which is 2.5 hours (right next to my house), and then I don't know what will happen when I go to my night class which is about 1.5 hours, plus the 30 minute bus trip there and back (2.5 hours).

Anyway, I'm just talking this out.

My mother came by today and brought me an awsome crib nice brown wooden crib that goes from infant to toddler to child (it's a nice 5-6 years worth of bed! And a great teddy bear bed set. She also brought me a breast pump *medlia*... I think, and a bouncer, belly time blanket, and some teddy bears... HOW SWEET. She was so excited to give those things to me. Lately we have been missing eachother a lot. I noticed that she sounded sad when I couldn't come to visit her, and I want to so bad. So I am thinking of tomorrow asking her to come over, and maybe help me clean and organize the room. It's a good way to spend time with her, and still get something done. Not to mention I seriously need some motivation.

I AM 29 WEEKS PREGNANT... 11 WEEKS LEFT.
Thanks for caring.
Julie

Current Mood: cheerful

I probably shouldn't ask. I know God has a sense of humor... Although it really isn't funny watching an angry pregnant woman melt, or at least those who find it funny should avoid laughing until far out of slapping range. Holy Moley (moley moley... There Angela) I'm hotter then well, I don't know exactly but I am sweating in a t-shirt, and I don't know what to do! It's 11 o clock, and it should NOT still be hot, but it is. I feel GROSS and TIRED, and HOT... And blah blah blah, I feel like whining... A lot. So again it's HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! *Cries*

I called the cops on the assholes upstairs. And there is no change, I saw no police, this pisses me off. The fucking police aren't responding- I just called and they said that an officer ROAMED the area and hear nothing, there for they aren't in violation. Well it's past 10pm and there fucking computer war game is making my apartment shudder, as well as making it so I can't sleep when I need to wake up in the morning, I think that calls for something to happen. Not to FUCKING mention that for the past 5 motnhs I have contacted the upstairs jerks directly, the police, the managers and they still BLAIR there games. It's rude. Yea I do live in the apartment and from my knowlege past 10pm the noise should not be disturbing. Nothing can happen. I just have to deal with loud war games, and abnoxious TVs because I'm downstairs from them, and the police don't hear it when they hang out outside in their cars. What a screwed up deal.

Good news is that I'm learning new things about myself and my relationship and I think that it is going to make our relationships much stronger. I'm noticing the changes, or growth that I need to do and that I would like to see in Brandon. I'm mostly working on myself, because Brandon is awesome, but obviously he can help me in some ways... A few of the topics I'm going to need to work on and grow with:

-My sex drive:

Actually I'm starting to realize that my sex drive sometimes isn't really a sexual desire. It's the desire to be touched, held, to have a connection... And I think that a more fullfilling thing in some instances aren't even sexual. I think maybe a conversations, or a long back massages *more then 2 minutes* or even cuddling and watching a movie, the list goes on, but I'm begining to realize that I make sex the quick and easy way to get that loved feeling, and that is not a true (now obviously Brandon truely loves me and our making love is real, but what I am saying is that it is not always the true thing I am looking for, not just sex.) fullfillment. So I'm going to try and talk to Brandon about this, because I know that if he is able to grow with me in this and help me overcome my *need* for sex all the time, we will both be happier. If he is willing to give me that long massage or if he is willing to sit through a movie with me... you know? Any of those things... I hope that I am able to get my point across to him, this will really help our relationship.

-My acceptance of Brandons choice of style

I'm realizing that if my parents didn't accept my *goth stage* that at the time WAS TOTALLY WHO I WAS, I fought to the death that it was not a phase. Along with my *preppy stage* my *hippie stage* my *grunge stage* and all of the rest of them that were not phases at the time, they were *me* they I wouldn't be the person I am today, with the pictures of my diverse self, with the memories of the things I chose to do, and the people I befriended along the way. When I was into that *gothy thing* I found myself in hottopic, met a really cool person named Nikki, now if I wasn't into that I would've never met her... So Brandon is HIMSELF, he isn't going through a phase, that isn't what this is. If he wants to grow his hair within the next couple of months and redo his mowhawk, I stand beside him. If he wants to wear all band t-shirts and no button ups, I stand beside him. If he would prefer to paint his nails black, I stand beside him... And if in 5 months he does a flip and wants to do something totally different that is him too. Brandon isn't any different because of his look or style, he just likes it, it's fun, and cool, and part of him... He wouldn't be who is today or have the things going for him that he has if he hasn't had all his experiences and choices, that includes physical appearance and choice of style and friends... So I need to let him be himself... AS long as he is healthy and keeps his responsibilities taken care of, who cares? I'm going to try and be more supportive.

There's more, but think those two are biggies right now.

I need to brush my pearly whites, and I need to get some H2O in my system, so by everyone.

Julie

Current Mood: uncomfortable

So I'm a fucking jerk. I guess it's detremental to myself to admit that I'm actually sorry for anything, because I guess I try to always be right. :) Well, here it goes:

I've been mean and disrespectful to Brandon. Partners are suppose to be there for eachother, accept eachother and support eachother. I haven't. Fuck, I can't believe I went so crazy over a hairdo. A mow hawk. He's 20 years old, and yea he's got serious responsibilities, but fuck he's taking good care of them. He's only 20... He can have his hairdos until the day he dies if he wants actually. I mean he takes showers, he's clean, he's healthier then he probably has been in a long time,and apart from health wise, his physical appearance DOES NOT MATTER. It shouldn't matter to anyone but him. I haven't been the partner that I know I am and can be. I haven't stood beside him, I haven't taken care of us, and I haven't stood up for and supported him in his decisions. I feel like an asshole. Brandons doing so good, working so hard, being so caring, loving, and wonderful, not only to me, but to his friends. Brandons a good/strong/hard worker, and he's advancing more rapidly then I've seen him do in the past. I'm sorry for being mean, and for not being supportive, and not allowing him to be himself completely because that is who I fell in love with. I was pushing not even my veiws onto him but just other peoples veiws, veiws that didn't even matter to me... Stupid as it was, I hope that I haven't hurt him too much to feel secure and loved with me.

Anyway, I'm going to go watch a movie with some really fun people. Angela and Erin, you two have been a blast and I hope we hang out more often. I appriciate the girl time, the laughter, and most of all the good friendships. I hope that you too don't feel as if I have gotten too pushy or rude and can accept me and my changes as I grow into the person I am.

Current Mood: guilty